My adult life has been topsy-turvy. What did I do? I rolled with the punches, used creative ways to fix problems, became a survivor. I anticipated that the next foot would drop and prepared myself emotionally to be ready for the fall. This makes a pretty dismal picture and a sorry way to live. It was creating a life of constant aggravation and misery. I don’t believe that life needs to be this way. We create our dramas in our minds and with our actions. We perpetuate myths of martyrdom. I changed from a singular to a global pronoun because I don’t believe I am alone in this way of living.
In my case I recently received the revelation that I am basing my happiness on whether my children are going to be safe, happy, productive balanced people. This is especially true of one of my children who has challenges with mental illness. I make my decisions on relationships, jobs, spending money, everything on what is going on in his life. His life is in constant turmoil and I have perpetuated being there to help him. The truth is that it is impossible for me to control his life. It is impossible for me to anticipate every crazy thing that he does or is going to do in his life. There is no way that I can live in balance while trying to make his life balanced. Did he ever even want me to “help” him in the deepest parts of his spirit? By making him my priority, I have deprived myself from experiencing the things that I wish for all of my children. By keeping myself as unbalanced as he is, I have created my life to be even more insane than he is. His insanity is a mirror of my increasing insanity for trying to make a different outcome doing the same things over and over. We are dancing in a spiral of insanity.
I was starting to get the picture in my 8/7 post, but got sucked back into the drama soon afterward. How easy it is to let other’s dramas affect us! But it doesn’t make me any healthier or happier or more balanced to be caught up in someone else’s journey. This is a delusion. His life is his life, and he is coping with it as best he can.
I need to cope with my own life as best as I can. My journey must be my priority and this is my lesson. I need to find my own balance in partnership with myself. In order to be successful at this, my first step was to light a candle. I took a small stick and blew in my intentions to let go of being the rescuer, the undesired partner in my son’s problems. I send him my love and prayers that a higher power will assist him and that he will pay attention. I let the fire consume this stick as I let go. I then took a second stick and blew in my intentions for how I want my life to look and the kind of abundance and relationships I want to come into my life. I am creating a different look for my life, a different landscape or map. I put the second stick into the flame and let the prayers go out to the universe. The flame burned high and the illumination was bright. The illumination allows that old beliefs have been replaced with light and love. To keep from falling into old patterns I need to reaffirm my intentions frequently until they become my new path to follow. I will meditate on pulling back my energy from people and situations that are not my stuff, daily for the next month. I can change to healthier ways of thinking now that I finally recognize the old patterns that I needed to leave behind. Today is my birthday and this is my birthday present to myself.