Healing with Illumination

My adult life has been topsy-turvy. What did I do? I rolled with the punches, used creative ways to fix problems, became a survivor. I anticipated that the next foot would drop and prepared myself emotionally to be ready for the fall. This makes a pretty dismal picture and a sorry way to live. It was creating a life of constant aggravation and misery. I don’t believe that life needs to be this way. We create our dramas in our minds and with our actions. We perpetuate myths of martyrdom. I changed from a singular to a global pronoun because I don’t believe I am alone in this way of living.

In my case I recently received the revelation that I am basing my happiness on whether my children are going to be safe, happy, productive balanced people. This is especially true of one of my children who has challenges with mental illness. I make my decisions on relationships, jobs, spending money, everything on what is going on in his life. His life is in constant turmoil and I have perpetuated being there to help him. The truth is that it is impossible  for me to control his life. It is impossible for me to anticipate every crazy thing that he does or is going to do in his life. There is no way that I can live in balance while trying to make his life balanced.  Did he ever even want me to “help” him in the deepest parts of his spirit? By making him my priority, I have deprived myself from experiencing the things that I wish for all of my children. By keeping myself as unbalanced as he is, I have created my life to be even more insane than he is. His insanity is a mirror of my increasing insanity for trying to make a different outcome doing the same things over and over. We are dancing in a spiral of insanity.

I was starting to get the picture in my 8/7 post, but got sucked back into the drama soon afterward.  How easy it is to let other’s dramas affect us! But it doesn’t make me any healthier or happier or more balanced to be caught up in someone else’s journey. This is a delusion. His life is his life, and he is coping with it as best he can.

I need to cope with my own life as best as I can. My journey must be my priority and this is my lesson. I need to find my own balance in partnership with myself. In order to be successful at this, my first step was to light a candle. I took a small stick and blew in my intentions to let go of being the  rescuer, the undesired partner in my son’s problems. I send him my love and prayers that a higher power will assist him and that he will pay attention. I let the fire consume this stick as I let go. I then took a second stick and blew in my intentions for how I want my life to look and the kind of abundance and relationships I want to come into my life. I am creating a different look for my life, a different landscape or map. I put the second stick into the flame and let the prayers go out to the universe. The flame burned high and the illumination was bright. The illumination allows that old beliefs have been replaced with light and love. To keep from falling into old patterns I need to reaffirm my intentions frequently until they become my new path to follow. I will meditate on pulling back my energy from people and situations that are not my stuff, daily for the next month. I can change to healthier ways of thinking now that I finally recognize the old patterns that I needed to leave behind. Today is my birthday and this is my birthday present to myself.

What a week  it has been ! I learned while listening and participating in the World Energy Summit that false cultural beliefs we have can make our lives a struggle and create a feeling of being overwhelmed as we attempt to meet standards for which we actually have no control. We put our energy out there in many diverse ways in efforts to control our world, fix and rescue our loved ones, spending energy on worrying, and letting fear create false beliefs about our world. There is so much energy that we send “out there” that we deplete our supply to live the creative joyful life that we are meant to enjoy. I did an exercise to pull back the energy from all the places I have sent it. I then pulled the false beliefs and issues from my body into a big bubble in front of my belly with a big magnet inside of it. I visualized a pile of rubble as in a bombed out building. I then was told to pull just the energy out into a second bubble leaving the rubble of toxic thinking inside the first. The energy in the second bubble was pulled back into my body and the bubble with the debris was burst leaving the debris to disappear. I did this on a Wed.

The next day, my son disappeared. He left where he was staying in a rush and has not contacted any of the people he usually calls on a regular basis, son, mother, brother, mental health people. He is a paranoid schizophrenic who is probably not taking the medications that keep him from having delusions. The family has waited and worried about his safety and the unknown question of where he was. My feeling ranged from being terrified that something horrible had befallen him to anger that he was being so inconsiderate to make us worry, to grief, to guilt for what I felt I must be my blame in causing his illness. I felt tired, disempowered, and scared. I am over 1000 miles from where he lives and didn’t know what to do.

My usual pattern of behavior is that when he or one of my other children has a problem, I rush in to try to fix it or help them to fix it. Isn’t that what a mother does? In my cultural belief is it. But what if that is a false belief. When your children become adults, maybe the responsibility for them drops away or should.  In my world I was not letting  that happen. What is the result? My children, or son in this case, are left to feel that they are not good enough to solve their own problems. He feels aggravated that I am butting in where he wants to make his own decisions and plans for his life. Maybe they are bad decisions from my point of view, but I don’t have the right to impose my will on him. Intellectually I know that but in my unconscious mind I have little control over my feelings about my mothering role. It is a deeply held  belief I hold. I released this belief energetically in a meditation exercise and immediately the change was felt by the person in my closest network. You can only fix a problem from a level higher than where it originated. Like in the game rock,paper,scissors, energy is higher than the source of this problem.

 He, who also is angered by someone rescuing him, also has the belief that this is the pattern that is familiar. He created a drama to bring me back into the comfort zone of this false belief system. Bang the world turns upside down for both of us. Now I am at the crossroads of deciding what to do. Jump in my car and drive to look for him and make sure he is taking his medications or gets medical care? The alternative is that I can shift the energy and the pattern by not doing the expected. I could kind of see it, but the pull to the familiar is strong. What helped illuminate these truths for me was a synchronistic set of events that put me in touch with an intuitive person who could see the drama unfolding from a higher perspective. She recommended me changing my actions. Don’t go and look for him, don’t go and rescue him, let him be free as this also frees me to move on in my life. Change the pattern and perhaps he will grow as he needs to face his decision-making skills in a more grounded manner, or not. It’s not my decision, it is his. I was given permission to let go of my sense of responsibility for a grown man who I really have no responsibility for.

Responsibility comes from the meaning of “to be responsive “, not as we have adopted its meaning to righteously trying to be in control of things. I can choose how I respond. I can help if I am asked for a particular action, but it is not a  response when initiating an action to fix something that has not been requested by another person. It is freeing and exhilarating to leave these beliefs behind. I am sure I will be challenged again. Time will tell how the drama will play out from my change of behavior. I can only send love and more love for my son and trust that the universe is working in divine order for the best outcome.

Our relationship to the people around us is flowing as is all of life. Most times we are unaware of how we are relating to people, particularly to those closest to us. To stop and observe the relationship with someone we have conflict with requires that we step out of it and view it as the eagle can from high above. It is amazing to watch our actions when viewed from this place.

My own personal example comes from living with an alcoholic husband.  He would drink and then become violent. In return, I would live in fear and become a victim. As the victim, I would try to gain control of the situation by trying to be perfect so he would have no reason to attack me. I would cook his favorite foods, run to the store and back so there were no reasons to think I was being unfaithful, never express my opinion if it was different from his. My actions increase my victimization as I lost myself in the process. At times I would be the rescuer. I would make excuses to his boss or family. I would do the errands or chores that were his responsibilities. I took care of the bills. Of course this increase my resentment and at times I would lose it, threatening to leave or just have a screaming match that got nowhere. I would also try to control the situation and him to make him stop his behaviors. He on the other hand was then the victim or would try to rescue the situation by writing poetry or buying a gift.  One starts to see that interactions become interlocked with the victim, perpetrator and rescuer constantly changing positions, bouncing from corner to corner of the triangle.  This happens in any non functional relationship.

How do you stop this interplay? The only way is to step out of this victim triangle and view the situation from eagle. The only way to break the cycle is to step out of the triangle and act from a place where there is not an emotional response to the situation. The situation does not change, but your emotional attachment changes. In al-anon, one is told to detach. Easier said than done if  you stay in the victim triangle. If any part of the triangle is removed, the problem dissolves.

I remember my mother in law’s response to this idea. “OK, but then how do I make him stop drinking?” She didn’t get it. It took me a long time and other relationships to get it fully myself. You just stop making anyone do or be anything. You stop trying to control situations and people. You look inside yourself for what you feel and remove yourself from what makes you feel bad. Ask yourself ” If I could do anything I want to do today that makes me feel good, what would it be?” Not what someone else has to do to make me feel better! You can be your own worst victim and feel the guilt of sabotaging yourself.

When there is no one to fight with, there is no fight. If there is no one to victimize, there is no perpetrator. If I have no responsibility to rescue, then I don’t have to become a victim again or become a perpetrator out of frustration. The question is how to do this. By stepping into the eyes of eagle you see more clearly that each of us has our own journey to learn and get closer to Spirit or God. I have no need to defend how I feel or what I desire. It is just who I am and that is a beautiful thing.  If someone wants me to defend my position then I have the ability and right to walk away. If they are asking for information, I will give them my opinions or my truth for them to accept or walk away themselves. I do not have to rescue anyone as it is each person’s journey to find their own path through life. Bad decisions made by others are not my responsibility to fix. My truth is that I do not want to live as a victim. I do not want to hurt anyone and I am tired of rescuing.

Life long patterns of behavior are hard to change. the beauty of shamanic healing is that one can shift more rapidly from old behaviors when the source of the behavior is found through journeying to a former life where it may have started. The current situation is a replay of old patterns locked in your soul. Finding the source creates an ah-ha moment. Clearing this old story and illuminating it with white light of Source energy seals the od story into ancient history. It allows healing and forgiveness. Viewing the old story is something to be grateful for as it allows for finding a different path to live. When you don’t know you are on a difficult path, you are bound to continue  suffering through it.

Through “Illuminations”, I have stepped out of this triangle. I no longer attract the people who would put me back into the triangle. I have healed much of the attraction I had to be in these counter productive positions. Illumination seals off the magnets to situations and people who keep you in the triangle. Now I am living with faith that the universe will supply the people who are like-minded and will help me live a life of happiness without the constant dramas I was formerly drawn to.  I walked away from the marriage a long time ago and made my own life. For many years, I was still finding the same man with a different face. Now I am confident that the healing has repulsed the kind of man who I formerly would have been attracting.

My vision for what I want was formerly based on what I don’t want. Now I have a vision of the person I do want to be in this life and who I want to share my life with. With the vision, I can create the epic journey of my desire. The map is still a work in progress. I am creating instead of being a victim of circumstance. My life is one of a healer, but I am here to heal those who seek help with the skills that I have. I have the right of refusal and the benefit of an exchange of energy for performing the skills that I have. This keeps me out of the triangle and living a joyful life.





An Illumination Story

In 2006, I went to an “I Can Do It”  Conference in Toronto. It was a life changing event for me in many ways.  I followed my intuition in signing up to attend and was on my way from San Francisco to Toronto.  I had to choose different lectures to attend while at the conference. I attended classes with Sonia Choquette, John Holland, Alberto Villoldo in individual breakout sessions and listened to keynote speakers like  Wayne Dyer, Sylvia Browne, and Dr Emoto. Each of the lectures I attended brought me amazing new information and experiences that have impacted many areas of my life since. I felt like I was walking around in a daze surrounded by a loving family.

The class with Sonia Coquette was my introduction into the world of spirit,energy, and connection. One particular woman comes to mind. I was sitting in the audience, when I noticed an elderly woman come in with her daughter. At first glance, she appeared unhappy about being there.  She had a stern countenance, and you could feel resistance all around her like a forcefield. She sat next to me staring straight ahead with tight lips. One of the first things Sonia did was to invite us to stand, turn to the person next to us, hold their hands and sing a song directly to them. This elderly lady was my partner. We sang:”I can tell that you’re looking, and you’re liking what you see. You’re thinking it’s the package, but its the spirit that you see.”

I looked directly into her blue eyes and sang the song. I am not a singer. In fact my children cried as babies, when I sang to them. My daughter changes the radio station if I try to sing along in the car even today. However, this little song had an amazing effect on my partner. Her big blue eyes got bright, she was smiling, and she was glowing. It was like the lights had been turned on inside of her. The shift in her energy was profound, like watching a fast forward film of a flower blooming in an instant. I ran into her the next day in the hallway. She rushed over and gave me the warmest hug, still smiling, and glowing. She was illuminated from within, like the sun bursting through a cloud. I am sure that it made a long lasting difference in her life. It also made a difference in my life as I probably appeared the same way to her-glowing with love and the connection of our spirits. We are not separate or alone in this world.

One is never too old to heal and find the joy within. The idea is to resolve issues in this lifetime so we don’t carry them into the next world with us. Let go of the heavy stuff, so the journey into the light is an easy transition.

The next day, I met Alberto Villoldo and found out about shamanism. I had no idea it existed in today’s world. Within 2 months I was on my way to my first shaman training class in Park City, Utah with The Four Winds Society. I expected maybe 20 people to be in the class, but there were about 120 people taking their first class along with me. I learned about shedding the past and techniques on illuminating my chakras to seal off those old stories that hold us back from becoming our best self.

My healing journey continues as I attempt to keep my inner light shining bright enough to bring light into the lives of others. Living in the light is a choice anyone can make in whatever circumstances they are now in.  Sometimes it means we have to ask for help to find the light, but it is always available.


The Man and the Pelican

I just had the most amazing experience. I had forced myself to go outside and take a walk even though I had been procrastinating all afternoon. I made it 3 blocks to the Pacifica Pier when I noticed a man was standing on the corner holding a huge pelican in his arms. The pelican was alert but remained docile in the man’s arms. I had to see what the story was.

The man had been fishing on the pier about 4 years ago when he saw the pelican struggling in the water caught in fishing lines. He jumped over the rail at the end of the pier, dropping 20-30 feet into the cold pacific water to rescue the bird. He got the bird untangled and put him on his back. He then had to fight the fierce currents to get to shore. When he reached shore , man and bird were hypothermic. He took the bird to his car and turned on the heat. He then revealed that he is a Dr and was able to administer first aid and IV fluids to the bird. He cared for the bird until he was able to fly, by feeding him mackerel and sardines. He then returned him to the wild. Every 2-3 days the man goes fishing at the pier and the pelican finds him and stays with him. He takes the pelican home with him, feeds him and lets him go. The bird returns to the pier and finds him when he returns.

The bird was gently holding the man’s hand with his powerful feet. He had doubled in size since the rescue and by DNA testing is 18 years old. The pelican was open to letting us pet her soft neck and the pouch on her neck. Never would I have thought that I would be able to pet a wild pelican.

Stephen Farmer’s, Animal Spirit book says that the pelican spirit is about “forgiveness for either yourself or others, releasing any built-up guilt or resentment”, and” freeing yourself” of heavy emotions that weigh you down. Since I was there to encounter this strange situation, I will have to ponder what the message of forgiveness has to do with me. Do I need to forgive myself or someone else for something? Did I need to be there to relay this about the pelican to this man as he may need to forgive himself or someone else. Maybe it is both of us and the others who were there. There are no coincidences

Journeying for Healing

Journeying is a common method used by shamans for visiting another dimension for answers and clarity. It could be likened to a dream or an imagining. It helps to look at things from different perspectives to gain insight on a problem outside of the chaos that surrounds it in real-time and space. When caught in the throes of emotions, one is unable to see clearly. One can only heal from a higher level of perception that where it was caused. Drs usually try to cure from the same level of the physical, biological, but the shaman looks from a higher level for the cause and the solutions.

I had an incredible journey the other night while doing a fire ceremony. The fire was for the purpose of burning a despacho, which is the subject for whole other blog.  I was waiting for the fire to die down, chanting and shaking my rattle in a meditative state. I closed my eyes and was seeking healers to help with the healing of a distant client. My intention was to take my client through an imagined door, where the most appropriate skilled healer would be able to fix his problem. The idea being that in some dimension in a parallel universe this problem has already been solved. I thought I could be finding an advanced Dr with a wand to instantly cure as I had been directed on a training CD that I recently had listened to. I thought of the Star Trek series and their gadget that they could wave over someone in a futuristic setting. 

Suddenly I was seeing a different kind of healer. There was a medicine man with a headdress of macaw feathers dancing in a circle around my client who was laying down. He shook his rattle and did a ceremonial dance. He then leaned over my client and was sprinkling golden powder over his abdomen and blowing something into his face. I became aware that there was another presence there wearing the pelt of a wolf  off the back of his head-the wolf’s head was his headdress. He stood nearby watching or “holding space” for the other healer and client. Then it seemed the wolf changed to a white buffalo headdress, but I realized it was on another shaman who also stood by. Again I noted that there was a bear headdress on yet another shaman, and a giant eagle finally completed the 4 corners around the shaman working on my client. They were holding sacred space-providing presence and  protection for the client to receive his healing. It was a very powerfully moving event.

To complete the night, I also witnessed a past life picture where the client was stuck in a scene where there was no escape. It was a metaphor for similar circumstances in his life today, which I later found out about. The past life circumstances were being replayed in his life today. I went to the scene and gave it a different ending by supplying tools that gave him an escape, opening his world to prosperity, abundance and joy. Changing the past opens the client to change in his present life. The changed old story unfolds in a new present story. New unlimited possibilities  align with who he is today and who he will become in the future. He is no longer stuck with this issue. Time will tell what he creates in his new destiny.

I don’t yet know what the outcome of the healing will be for this client but it was amazing to watch and be part of this ceremony. Some could call it imagination, but it felt like the unfolding scenes were coming to me and not from me. I wouldn’t have thought to conjure these images and was surprised at what unfolded. I was not asleep but I was in another dimension for a short time as a witness. In quantum physics, observation of an event causes a changing of the energy. I can’t help but believe that there will be a shift in this client in his healing journey.

Emotions are what we feel in our bodies and minds. Joy is the happy buzz that lifts us up and makes us feel light. Despair is the heavy painful feeling of being stuck and without hope. Any feeling less than joy is less than living at the full potential that is  our God given birthright.

My plan is to discuss and enlighten and explore the journey on my road to joy in an effort to help myself and others with the journey. I certainly don’t have all of the answers, and that is why I am here on this planet in this physical body. I am here to learn and to grow. I am not alone or separate, as I am connected to everything and everyone in oneness to learn from the lessons that each component of this world can provide. We co-exist in both the physical and the non physical worlds. There is so much to learn and to enjoy. There is so much that we do not know and so much that we fear by not knowing. I want to bring light into the world of fear that holds us back from becoming one with  our highest self that was created by Source energy in perfection. My blog is an effort to learn and to educate and to heal.

The first fear that I am facing in this effort is that of writing for the public. My dream as a child was to be a writer. The conflict in this has always been that I am afraid to have anyone read what I write. I have tried journaling, but even in privacy, I have this fear that someone will find my journals and read them. Afraid that my story will be judged and condemned. I am afraid that I will be ridiculed for my beliefs and I am afraid for exposing how I feel. That is a lot of fear holding me back from my real desire. Opening this blog is a true leap of faith, and if I can conquer this fear, I believe the world will open for me. I may not become a writer, but I will become fearless. Then, anything becomes possible. My leap of faith starts now!

If anyone ventures into this site, I welcome your input, thoughts, fears, and even your scepticism about life, love, and the power of Source to change anything.

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